I AM IGNORANT AND I KNOW IT !

assalamualaikum !

tonight, 

i would like to make a confession regarding my bad behavior.

i admit that i'm an egomaniac. i'm heartless and ignorant.

and the term that my mom always use is :

 SOMBONG DAN BONGKAK !

well, to be honest, yeah, i admit that.

BUT !

before you jump into a conclusion,

before you start your judging session,

i would really love to clarify something.

i have my own reason for having such behaviors. 

i acted heartless because i know that i'm fragile inside. 

that's the only way to protect myself from being hurt. 

lemme tell you what might happen if i listen to others. 

this scenario happened this morning when my third sem result reached home.

my result isn't good like my sister's.

everyone knows that.

and when my mom got the transcript,

she put it on the whiteboard in the living room.

(the wall of fame and shame)

and she started to compare my result and my sister's.

if i acted all sensitive and emotional, 

i will definitely feel sad and eventually cry. 

i might even think of committing suicide 

since my mother and grandma really love to compare. 

they love brilliant people in the family 

because they can brag about 'em.

since i can't tolerate their bad behavior,

i created my own bad behavior in order to save myself from their's. 

and apparently,

acting all ignorant and heartless 

saved me from being in a total depression 

and suicide attempts. 

it's not that i don't care about my bad exam results. 

it's not that i never care to absorb what they've been saying.

it's not that i don't give a shit.

i do. i care.

but i know , 

if i let them judge,

if i let them compare, 

i'll definitely lose. 

and i don't think that i can stand again 

after i let them knock me down. 

so, what i wanna say here is

DON'T SIMPLY JUDGE OTHERS.

GET IN THEIR SHOES AND WALK IN IT.

AND DO NOT COMPARE. 

IT HURTS. 

IT REALLY DOES.

guess i'm a woman with feelings after all. 

a woman in pain and agony. 

just bear this in mind :

i might look heartless,

but trust me,

i'm a mere human being.

i just have to act heartless to survive. 

salam'alaikum.

A RANDOM FAMILY HALAQAH

salam 'alaik. 

just now, while waiting for isya', 

my mom, my sister, and I myself,

had a small halaqah in my parent's room.

(well, it wasnt really a halaqah which comprised of islamic talks and stories, but more like a pillow-talk-session kind of halaqah. you know, a mom and her daughters kinda talk)

anyway , back to the story ;

while having some chit chat with my mom,

(my head was on my mom's lap)

my sister joined us and said "jom berusrah!"

and she continued by opening the halaqah with al-fatihah.

my sister started the story with something like this :

"i have a story to tell both of you.

pasal seorang sahabat yang skip perang pada zaman Rasulullah"

then my mother interrupted :

"ih cerita la cepat , mak tak sabaq dah nk dengaq ni.

tok sah ada introduction ke apa"

my sister started to feel irritated for being interrupted.

but for the sake of our mother, she started again :

"sahabat ni namanya .... ape eh i cant remember, jap.."

and she started thinking without realizing that my mother and I were waiting,

poker faced.

(just start the story already ! 

we wont remember the names in the story anyway.

bagi aku camtu la.

the content is what matters. not the characters)

my mother started talking about another topic

(something completely unrelated)

so my sister gave up.

she turned around, opened her physic notes and her radio.

sulked.

my mother laughed and persuaded her to continue the story telling. 

she gave in and started the story.

again.

"sorang sahabat ni skip perang sebab nak enjoy dunya sekejap"

and my mother said :

"I KNOW THE STORY ! PASAL SEORANG SAHABAT YANG SKIP PERANG TU KAN! MAK TAU ! cite dia camni, sahabat tu.. camna entah , mak tak ingat la cite tu"

LOL!

seriously mother, da hell are you trying to do ? 

my sister totally gave up.

she almost cried for being interrupted 

and maybe for not being taken seriously.

so she tuned on the ikim.fm on the radio and started reading her physics notes again.

my mother and i laughed hysterically.

somehow, i don't really know why my mother did that. 

then my sister said : 

"sampai hati mak. annah sedih sangat mak buat macam tu."

(she is pretty sensitive all the time).

and she continued sulking. 

right after that,

the Dj in the radio recited some verses from the Holy Quran 

(idk which verse) 

together with the translation.

it was about mother.

about what happen if we even say "ah" to our mother.

lol! (tetau je dj ni!)

it hit right in her face that she started to weep and say 

"why must he recites this verses now!" 

and she quickly apologized to my mom.

wow. sorry for the long story. 

anyway , the ending was :

 my mother told us a story instead.

not really a story.

but more like a lesson that she learnt when she was in her tasawuf classes long ago.

about the formation of Muhammad and all that.

i'm not gonna tell it here because i'm not good in telling something that deep.

not enough knowledge i should say.

actually, i forgot my purpose of writing this post. 

but i cant forget this one post about 

"DETIK-DETIK TERAKHIR SITI HAJAR BINTI AHMAD SABIR"

which i read on Facebook this evening. 

one of her sentences before she died was :

"Allah marah sebab tak dakwah sungguh-sungguh.

Tak mahu cari jalan lain bila dakwah terhalang"

okay now i remember the purpose of this post.

my sister sulked and stopped telling her story when my mother interrupted.

she even broke our halaqah and do something else.

takkan baru kena interrupt dah give up , ye dok ? 

dan aku percaya bahawa banyak lagi real obstacles yang dihadapi oleh pendakwah-pendakwah diluar sana.

maka ; terimalah kata-kata Hajar tu ye.

dont give up.

dakwah la manusia macam aku ni haa. 

jangan give up nak mendakwah kami-kami ni.

on the other hand,

the statement hit me in my face.

like seriously , 

ape je aku dah buat sebagai dakwah aku ?

 nothing.

bukan tak cari jalan bila dakwah terhalang.

tp memang tak berdakwah langsung.

acano ni ?
takkan nak tunggu orang lain dakwah aku je ?

at least my sister did the da'wah part.

even though she stopped when my mom interrupted.

hurm..

i'm not gonna summarize for you this time. 

so there'll be no conclusion.

sebab aku sendiri hanging dengan monologue aku.

acano ni ?

nak jawab apa ni kat Tuhan ?

ah sudah....

p/s : sorry for the rojakness.

uoh anyway,
when you want to tell a story,
better tell it straight forward.
because it's hard to entertain people with long and unimportant introductions.
make your da'wah more attractive and entertaining
 :D 
just saying !
salam.